On people and their economic behavior

If only I could draw well, I will paint this picture of our existence - a human pyramid shaking and shivering under its own weight, in a pool of billion lives. With every new level, new people are added to the bottom - 'initiated' as they say. Those at the top, with so much as a sneeze, can cause a tremor at the base. They at the top suffer from vertigo. Some of them can't wait to sling their backpacks across their shoulders and head East. While others are proud to have the responsibility of millions of lives in their hands. They launch rockets and conduct air raids to tell us the same. And someone like Bush turns up and does a clown dance for some years before the bottom layers gather enough strength and conviction to shake the pyrimady arse and topple him. Much more than any conceivable number will either want to go up or get out. I think that gives the society the flux.. the fluidity which we experience. And those who sit on the sidelines, analyzing, preparing younger ones for the task ahead - the academia.. how minutely focused their microscopes are. They will fish out the motives and marginal utilities of the louse crawling on the head of the person(1, 10^5, 10^2) (coordinate). Or they will dig out neurons of their fellow specie-men to point to the golden colored region which gives rise to consciousness - that will make them happy. Or better still tighter bounds to minimize error in transmission across murky channels - that is their purpose.

To be sure let us see if there is any such thing as 'economic behavior' (for we are quite sure that there are entities called 'people'.. some may want to disagree.. they may). 'Behavior' is a term loosely defined as the way or manner in which we act/react in a given situation. The adjective 'economic' tries to classify - to delineate a smaller set of behaviors so to speak, which pertain to how people act/react in matters concerning money. Now this 'economic behavior' has a rich and complicated history. We've all learnt about barter and gold coins and silver coins and so on. Either referring to direct acquisition of commodities or to attaining means to achieve them, we have here a myriad number of activities in which we have engaged as a specie. But what we're witnessing probably is the increasingly complicated nature of these activities - where between the commodities I want and the commodities I earn, the distance is continuously increasing.

What if any is the purpose of economics? Not as a field of study but as a part of our lives as 'homo sapiens'. From the richest to the poorest - human beings can survive on a decent three meals in a day and a shelter - an oft repeated 'truth' about our condition. Surely for 50% of us, our economic behavior has very little relevance to the fulfillment of these necessities. And we all know this as a fact. Curiously what keeps us going is our idea about a decent life a decent education for our children (or ourselves) and decent art and decent sports and so on. A man on the street will want to be in a house, the man in a house will want to be in a mansion, the man in a mansion will be ready to emigrate and the man in a mansion on top of the world.. well he would be searching for some sort of truth either in his own power or in the power of some other worldly being. I'm not saying that our greed in insatiable. Its not greed its a fear to be 'not left behind'. Our whole lives are a game of 3 - 'past-present-future', 'hell-earth-heaven', 'worse than us-us-better than us' and so on. And we would want an upward sloping curve - always going up and up tending to the august elysian heights. Most of us would want to look back and say - hey there, we've grown or we've become more mature or more rich or more 'human'. And if not all, we would want to cash in some green in at least one of the scales - others' or our own invented ones. Why is it that we can't sit still? Lost in the dialectics between idealism and realism, we're never sure of our own worth without any reference point. All we can say is that an elephant is surely bigger than the ant and we are somewhere in between. And we would rather be the elephant or the ant.. whichever is judged better by ourselves and/or others. And that is pragmatism for you :).

And the costs are too high if the pyramid topples. The US economy is the case in point.. almost everyone seems to be bailing it out.

Only those who are completely selfish or completely selfless can be 'saints'. Our inability to be either puts us in 'it' - whatever we may believe 'it is'.

The whole humanity seems to be heading towards a cacophonous orgasm.
--

PS: The views are completely personal. As always any theory will have certain assumptions and generalizations. Its after all a function of the looking glass or a vantage point we choose. We cannot see the whole of Earth in one go.. (like not by one pair of eyes) and describe it.

paperback philosopher

I met him on the street once. Old he was. I helped him cross the street. I asked him what he did in his spare time. He said he started his career as a ring master in circus.

'The excitement of the scene, the meekness of the ferocious animal (who by the way would never hurt) yet the credulity of the audience.. they made an impression on me,' he said while gesturing a motorbike to stop. He continued walking casually recounting his tale, I meanwhile stole a glance at the biker. 'As I was saying', he lingered, 'That made an impression on me.. and I started writing quotations for newspapers. To my surprise they became popular. So I wrote on and on and then they collected it all and made a book out it.. see.' He showed me the book.

By this time we had crossed the road. To be polite I read one or two and praised the content. It was a sweet little pocket book - the kind in which one gets Gita and Bible these days. He was almost gloating about it 'I always thought I'm no good, Nothing,' he mused, 'but now look at this thing. I feel I've done my bit'. I asked him if he believed in God. He said he didn't.

He asked me what I did. I said 'Presently I'm trying hard to not become what I despise. Yet I end up not despising what I become.' He looked bemused. 'So,' I continued, 'I talk in paradoxes and write in metaphors, preach faith to apostate and doubt to believers.'

'You astound me,' he said somewhat taken aback. 'Don't worry about it,' I said, 'Pressing his hands between mine. You don't see Him but you see me, don't you, flesh and blood. I've a better technique and wouldn't be as conspicuous.'

PS: have to work on it a little more

the sea

Waves are the reality of the sea. Touching the shore and leaving, rising and subsiding, moving in a rhythm.. like the hands of clock. Curiously entwined by chance, their fate appears fixed, determined.. the hands will always move, so will the waves..

But the tides are a reality too... the sea does not relent to the determinism of waves. Propelled by some outward force it rises up tearing the surface... oh the majestic rise. For that moment it exists out of time.. out of its own fate..

The sea in a tide is a bearer of all forces within and without... the sea in a tide is also akin to the human spirit manifesting the power of ideals and beliefs.. of our collective consciousness itself....of the desire to make more out of existence.. an existence which is inextricably tied to time..

So are these lines just a means to vent the spirit.. the truth in them is contextual.. even incidental. So are most of our endeavors... the moment we believe, the moment we look at life as something more than what it is.. we become wrapped in our spirit.... and we can ebb and fall, or continue to rise.. we will always be more than ourselves...and we will surely find beauty here and some alluring charm..

Self thus effaced by the collective, willingly submits to it.. so will you and so will I.. Time and again we'll attempt to capture the truth that will always evade us. For that is but one truth... But in that attempt we will be unleashed by and will in turn unleash something beautiful, even marvelous... And just as the grand monuments, growing out of the surface of the earth, later serve as a tomb to cherish the power that creates them - our attempts too will survive long after we cease to, as a reminder of the power that resided within us and about us..

But even without their realizing it, the lives which have been so possessed by these spirits find a strange solace in the rhythms of the clock. There is something about the waves too.. and about the beating of my heart.. I'm attuned here.. one here.. will always be, even when the spirits cease to visit and the forces wither away..

Don't know if I wrote this for you or for myself..

--

And there are these evenings when you just can't do anything. You fix your mind on something, something unattainable at that instant and lament your fate. Or go off to sleep which is in most cases a smart thing to do. But lying awake in half sleep listening to music which seems to dissolve at times in the background, one feels unhinged. Like for real unhinged. And its so addictive at times, I would wake myself up and be in this state intentionally. Once one has given up on alcohol one finds other ways to be delirious I guess :).

And I wait for inspiration in these moments. Something which I would create or want to create. Something which has been taking shape in my mind for a long time. Alas all that comes out are fragments of ideas in grammatically incorrect compositions.

Sometimes I envy people who can create things so easily. Like with a stroke of a brush they breathe life into paper, with eloquent sentences they create life size characters. An exquisite ease or an arduous struggle I don't know.

random

If ever I could tell
one moment from the next
I would know where it all began
and when will it all end

And yet eclipsed in sublimity
waits eternity for someone to reveal her face
With time in hand the vanity of man
brushes past her again and again

So will you remain, to comprehend
what you perchance glanced in a moment of a moment,
Will you stand the anguish, the chains of that which
sustains all every moment or will you rather,

Take a handful of what remains
and create a treasure out of the moments you stole
to decorate your pretty trinket case

Impulse to philosophize

If only for once and for all we could settle the question of what 'really' is out 'there'. Reality, as has been revealed to me, changes forms and shapes continually. And I keep rummaging in the dark (borrowing the phrase from my previous composition), trying in vain to find that the one thread that connects all that I see, think and feel here. Yet all that connects them is this 'I', is my own self.

There are two ways to look at values and principles. One is to accept them as the basis of thoughts and actions, guiding them consciously and uncounsciously. The second is to view them as rules which achieve simplification, and in the process make life easier and viable.

Think of a mind without any basis to reach a decision. Is it possible to have no basis? Or a denial of their existence is just a figment of my imagination? These questions make it necessary to discover all possible basis and verify their existence thereof.

There are I believe certain definite realities. First and foremost, is the reality of the being, the body. Its needs, its sensuality, all these are most real in the sense that I cannot wish away hunger or sexuality as much as I have tried to in the fashion of Buddhists or puritans. In this 'reality of being' there is a definite hierarchy of 'beings' which brings us to the reality of specie and to the second level of reality..

The need to co-exist is the second level of reality, which is very closely connected to the first one. Or stripping the word 'need', plainly 'co-existence'. Harmony between the beings and the species. At this level comes the first conflict between the 'I' and the 'them', then 'Us' and 'them' and finally 'I' and 'Us'. It is as if the self is at times pitched against the external world.

Yet does this imply that the 'I' does not have any conflict in itself? I think to an extent co-existence necessitates certain prohibitions on the self, however in so far as this co-existence is 'necessary', the 'being', the 'self' will willingly compromise. But there are instances of conflicts, which depend on the kind of compromises were demanded from the self.

But is co-existence the only source of conflict in the self? Will there be conflict inside a self without being caused by the external world? The question to an extent is meaningless till we answer the other more basic question - is the existence of the 'self' possible without the external world? The answer seems to be no. So far as I can see, all selves are at the same time independent of and yet dependent on each other.

After the second level of reality there is the third level which is an offshoot of the second one, namely the socio-political structures we see around us. They are real in so far as they exist today, But they are 'structures' implying that what we've seen so far is/are just particular manifestation(s) belonging to a myriad of possibilities. The reason the structures seem more real, much more real than the first level of reality which sadly has been often slighted as 'libido', is the fact that though they change they never change drastically enough so as to shake our belief in them. Money, marriage, love, society, politics, religion, nations and even deuce, all belong to this level of reality.

To be sure human beings are not the only one to possess this kind of reality other beings too have some sort of social fabric: some obvious examples are ant colonies, beehives and so on. But there is a difference in the extent to which the beings are enmeshed in this level of reality. This brings us to values and principles.

And what is the origin of values and principles? I think in the second and the third level of reality. Much more so in the third because the formulation of these principles is based on the terminology, the language, the structure of the third level. Why are these values and principles necessary? Most times to enforce the order, sometimes to subvert the existing order with an aim to replace it with a new one. But the function of values and principles is nevertheless to sustain order, and yet maintain continuity and flow.

To attach higher value to order or to disorder will be a flaw at this stage. To go one step further and assert that human beings should give up the third level and move little closer to other beings can also be mistaken. Not as society but as individuals do we overcome these super-structures. As individuals this is the reality which is the farthest to us, but us societies as peoples this is the only reality in which we live.

What does this translate to on a day to day basis? If I've overcome this level as an individual do I become a voracious impulse-driven being? Again I think the answer can be found if we look around. Our 'natural' time here has to be spent in some way. I also have a mind/brain which needs occupation. Also the task of overcoming the third level is not that easy. If we devote ourselves just to this, I think we can spend several 'natural' lifetimes.

Also in this state of detachment or proximity to complete detachment, one can devote oneself to finding the 'right' chords in the third level of reality. When the judgement is not clouded by scruples about right and wrong, by valuations of virtue and vice, it can be possible to understand the third level completely.

And what about change and revolution? I think the third level can be described as, to borrow a cliche, a 'necessary evil'. And as long as it is necessary, we can wish to make changes. But changes on what basis?

We return to the question of basis. To make every being sufficiently free from the third level so that he can experience the first and the second level of reality. That could be one basis. I am still not sure. This 'freedom' itself has to be achieved from the inside and the outside. The being himself has to change in certain ways for the change to reflect in the third level. Revolutionaries can only perhaps guide the change. The change will sustain only if individuals change accordingly. But there are so many changes at smaller levels that do not require an upheaval of the whole order and yet can take us one step closer to the idea. There are many people working for changes at such level. However as long as the overarching thought process remains the same, there will be a lot of conflict and resentment. There might be many who without their knowledge are working to sustain or strengthen rather than to change the order. It is important to have a discerning eye.

Due to our distrust of or detachment from the third level then, should we loose the will to live? No. That is unnecessary. It is enough I think to realize and understand of all this. And then to enjoy life, experience it like a child, having no conceptions, no delusions, no overarching simplifications. Just awe and surprise. A difficult stage to achieve.

Impulse to philosophize
Apologies to Nietzsche

Blitching

So it happened that I picked up a book on theoretical physics (one of the intuitive ones). The inspiration was to once and for all make up my mind about nature of 'time'. The book took me by surprise, giving lucid explanations and illustrations at every juncture. Every attempt was made to confine math to the notes at the end of the book.

And I read and read and fell in love with it. Classical mechanics, then relativity and then quantum and then cosmology.. the fields were so interlinked and yet so distinct. I've covered more than half of it and and have felt thoroughly enriched by the subject matter. In fact I've a few insights of my own - now thanks to the physicist of all centuries. I will now present them without further ado.

The first and most important lesson to learn for all academia and general public is: always maintain a healthy skepticism for what a physicist proposes. Chances are high that his theory will be wiped out in next 100 years. Consider Newton, modern physics has torn his work apart. At times I pity him. I think he would've been better off had he left the problem of apple falling alone. To invent the theory and equations only to discover 300 years later that gravitational force can also be negative after all. Also think of what we go through as a consequence of these formulations.. we read Newton only to find that his ideas were not complete and some of them wrong, come to Einstein get the same thing, move on ahead and start doubting what we actually mean by any term in physics (acceleration, pressure, time!) and to top it all, come across Higgs Field and say 'oh well, vacuum after all might be permeated by ether like substance'. I think it would be useful to make a list of 1. what world knew/thought before Newton 2. what have been the theories after Newton 3. which have been negated so far 4. what do we know finally for sure and match 1 to 4. That I think would be a relevant contribution of physics to mankind.

To sugar-coat a thrust for technological intervention and domination of nature at all levels as a search for truth is the same as using mystical and hope-rendering idea of God to control the 'herds'. Why to priests do we give our faith and to physicist our money? Because the former guarantees luxury after death while the latter makes life on Earth itself rich and luxurious.

Though I wouldn't doubt the intentions of physicist. I'm just looking at the real value and purpose of their profession. For all I care there might really be present in some of them the flame, the 'will' to truth.

I'm no better, I work in an i-bank :). Though there is no search for the truth involved in the former sense.

I'm still confused about time.

Free Fall

I can hear the rain outside. I know how the water feels against my skin. Like in the shower. Though not the same as shower. Similar a voice says in my head.

To have lived a whole life in search of a truth only to discover that none exist, that it's a bottomless pit, a journey of an abyss - that is all this exploration is, and the ones who fared best in life are the ones who have never looked at their feet.

But I've always looked at my feet.

Reminds me of Tom and Jerry. Or road runner? How the character would run like a horse in the racing alley, like a deer chased by a lion running for his life, but a lot more funnier. He would reach the edge of the cliff and still keep running, without realizing that there is no ground beneath his feet. And shit! he notices he feels and he falls. Only difference is he does not miss the ground eventually.

These are bad falls.

What brings us back to the level is not some hypothetical base below, but some or the other twig/branch shooting out from the cliffs, which breaks our fall. At times it is impossible to come to the same level as others. And then the need for solitude. Yes should have never looked at my feet.

The cuticle has overgrown it hides the nails.

But who says falling is bad? Especially when it's a free fall without the possibility of the life-shattering 'THUD'.

Words as empty as wind are better left unsaid (Homer, Odyssey)

m'kay

...no topic really.. same old

Jostling past the crowds
of those who comprehend nothing
and those who comprehend Nothing
Thinking, seeking, finding, losing again
When all that love offered
vanished out of sight
And all that humanity offered
smothered my soul

~It is as if you know some part of you will always be lost-
No amount of reading, talking, exploring
can reclaim it for you

(Sometimes it seems that the world is too slow for my thought process. So my 100 thinking seconds are actually only 1 real second in the world. I'm saying this not out of vanity. But because I've always found a lot of time for thinking in between everything. Really.)

poetic yet again

Reminiscent of your dulcet voice,
Sweet inflection when you bid farewell for the night
While I - rummaging for the moon
Break the cosmos asunder -
To rule your heart, my vanity surrendered
You, with just a faint intonation of voice
Humble my entire enterprise.

(In this one I sound like the guy. So I would prefer the following modification :))

Reminiscent of your dulcet voice,
Sweet inflection when you bid farewell for the night
While I - venturing to acquire a mare's gait
And entice with Aphrodite's guise,
To rule your heart - relentlessly weave countless guiles
You, with just a faint intonation of voice
Humble my entire enterprise.

strange reflections

~ When I look at the way I take decisions in life - when I look at it as an outsider I at times do admire myself for being so courageous. It takes courage to tear off all pages that one has written and rewrite them only to tear off again. As if this life is a script. So many times I'm trapped in the thought boxes I create or adopt. At others I see myself fighting to get out of these pages.

~ It sure is scary to be lonely. As if whatever impressions one forms of people, places and events around himself/herself have to be corroborated by at least one more person. Otherwise retrospection puts their authenticity to doubt. Raised eyebrows, spurn glances can incite a tumult within.

Poetic Self (GRE Blues continued)

when with passion my goodness belied
i turned to thee with teary eyes
thou flinched as if with thy own wiles
were not thine but of a stranger apart miles?

GRE Blues

There is one thing I detest
The needless quest
I fight against infestation:
The pestilent body and mind
Corrupting the soul
Shut in a mould

As I moult
And evolve
Grow out
Grow in
Decay wither atrophy
Apostate I may become
But never a defeat
Shall inflict infirmity
On the soul

Decrepit body portending imminent end
Diligent soul looking askance
At the Gods, yes, heaven’s askew
Empyrean beside me
Firmament in view


//**\\

It is a heinous sin
To have done what we did
We will sure be indicted
And from our places evicted
In way of divine retribution
Which was overdue anyway

In jocund spirit
In jovial moods
We bantered while we sauntered
We will now be incarcerated
In the vaults of the purgatory
Writhing under agony, angst
Living in fear, trepidation of the fiend
Burning suffering convulsing languishing
Crying sniveling bawling
Cringing groveling
Dying

//**\\

On love.. (and other stupid concoctions brewed in a girl's mind)

An idea which lives. Lives to give you hope. A thought which gives a push to next day. Something out of reach of hand, but within the grasp of the mind. Which is there just for you. May not mean nothing to the object of thought, but is that the point? Is it not enough to know that you are still capable of thinking, imagining, loving? That though this may not be the right time, but you are still composed of flesh and blood, exposed to follies of human nature like so many others around you. In fact you are able to feel and sense what does not pass between two people, or sense that what passes is opposite of what is supposed to, by your idea. Stepping outside seems I am losing 'what could have been' because of ego. But inside I know that the time has not come. Why? I would not know. If only someone knew both the ends. But the other is as closed as this is open. No one would ever know both the ends. Time will pass and all will think that there was no romance after all. But romance there was, even if one sided. There was a love story how so ever subtle.Even though we might end up miles away with different people and may never see each other ever again. Romance there was. Even though one-sided and short-lived. There was care, there was love even.
**
What do you love? What can we love? An Idea. An Idea that matters even if it makes just two seconds of your life meaningful. When it gives hope though the later may not last for a long time. An idea which is based on a person but exists without him. The idea that sustains itself not on what is said but on what is said not. An idea which does not die because it just cannot. When you think you are out of it, there you go.. right plunging into it. An idea that can never die when you want it to because you never in the first place gave it life. An idea which is not just within you.. you can feel it about you. Is the person just an object of this idea? I don't know. I would want to know. But how can I know? The idea and the person seem so distinct at times. It is only in retrospect or in absence that the two become one.

haha

Pointless proliferation of punctuations in positions to preempt premature perdition.

I am so brain dead can't think of anything remotely funny. I mean how boring can it all be. Can I ask someone? Hello, hey you mister: Do you know how much more boring it all can be? Hello?

Damn. Now what to do. You can read. Drift to philosophy. Take solace in fiction, find new bands. But how long can you be glued to your chair? How can anyone confine me to this stupid chair? Why?

Shit

I'm so bored.

Feel like destroying something. What can I destroy? Should I lift this heavy cisco phone set and make it take a flight across the desk to someone's computer screen? Should I break all computers? Or I cut toe nails (mine of course) and mix them in water? Or may be I knock off a few teeth from one colleague's mouth. Damn it.

(written long back during not so happy times)

l'enfer, c'est les autres

Interesting thought.
I've been thinking a lot lately. Trying to strip expectations, beliefs, attitudes out. Trying to get to the bottom of it. Realize that it is bottomless. Abyss.

But certainly, to know that all (almost) the reactions I or the other person have are learnt, acquired, helps to keep one's calm. There is a certain sort of detachment which feels great. Also the other person starts looking like a puppet. Maybe at the core of the feeling of achievement/success lies in our feeling of being 'intellectually superior'. Or maybe another learnt thing. It is impossible to strip out all attitudes simultaneously because to attach high value to stripping out these beliefs etc is itself a belief. Whatever that means. But certainly there is something which makes it more useful for some people I guess. I think one has to keep going back and forth - believe, strip it out, believe in something else, strip that out as well and so on. How does that that help us? Is that the purpose of existence? I don't know if it is. I don't know what that means now.

Study on Ethics can be interesting. Required probably.

And how is hell in other people? Because even if you strip all beliefs out (if at all) others won't. Damn!

Random Tidbits 2

~Our motives, our stories and our lives don't always make much sense.

~ If I were God and I looked down at the world full of billion people, each with his/her dreams desires ambitions, conflicting interests like people fighting for handful of jobsetc etc, I would need an optimization algorith of the nth order. Or I wouldn't fking think about the billion people an go discuss with my peers the existence of uber-God.

~ We try to confine multitude aspects of reality into our little compartments of ideologies, faith, beliefs, ambitions and dreams. What we see is not reality, it is the function of what we want to see in the world.

~ Am I one or fragmented? Are my dreams my own or someone else's? Are my thoughts my own or are they borrowed or manipulated? Am I one person or many not just because everyone sees me differently but also because I am myself a random assortment of traits, beliefs, dreams, likes, dislikes acquired from or inspired by so many others around me.

(written during Sikkim trip, Feb 2009)

snorez.......

What to do when sleepy in office?

- I've tried putting my head down and sleep. It works on some occasions.
----*****-----
- Find something to interest you. May be a person whose movements you secretly track.
- Revolve in your chair by 230 degrees or 280 (if too bored) and get a snap shot of what everyone is doing.
- Do slower/shorter versions of the swing to capture details
- Roll your eyes left-right-left to make sure you don't miss anything interesting
- Observe others' monitors. Sometimes they are more interesting :)
- Change wallpapers.
- Engage in small talk with people around you. Try to look interested and charming.
- Venture out to pierce their patience with dumb joke arrows
- See 'who is meeting whom' purely for the purpose of satiating the 'gossipicious-self'
- Try to read some finance document. Put head down after 15 seconds to get one of the most peaceful naps.
- Coffee can help.
- Work for a change. Seen to help curious cases.
- Try to address the bigger issues here. Say why sleep deprived? Wy so bored? Why no work? Why crappy work? Bitch about life, universe and everything. Others will bear with you thinking that poor thing had a bad night. While most people bear with me because of the X in place of Y.

Sick place.

Random Tidbits

I've to go someplace. Suffocated. Killed. Impaled. Ohh. Ahh. Shoot. Urrgh. Yuk. Hummf. Phrr... Grr..frr

Rare and fleeting are moments of satisfaction
All rest is filled with despair, longing
for what is not
for what could've been
for what is and i refuse to see

Is it expedient to be obedient
in face of zilch experience?

There is a sudden accretion of matter,
in the region aspiring the rouge.
There is accumulation of mist,
in the region in want of gray.
But there is the shadow of indolence,
cast upon the whole prospect.
If you think that your prowess divine,
Can impregnate the supine, the bovine.
If you think you filled the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the cup and the proliferation that's in it,
And--which is more—you are the Man beaucoup!

Ouch

Sign.. Sign? Sign!

There has to be a way to decide, to conclude, to realize "Yes! This is what I should be doing for the next few years!", "Yes! This work is for me." , "Yes! You're so made for me." I don't know, may be there should be a thunderstorm, or a lightening, or even a flower petal gently landing on my palm or maybe a dream. Anything at all. But it should be at the right moment. Not when, you know, I'm washing clothes or talking to a fruit vendor. I refuse to acknowledge the petal-falling then. Any sign, anything at all will do really. Just that the signs should not be too frequent. Then they loose their divine touch. May be an apparition or a sudden sense of being required somewhere. Yes both would do. Thing is, I don't know what to do. I don't plan my moves, I don't plan pee-breaks and water-breaks. There is something that tells me to get up from this stupid chair or to post something yet-again-stupid on this stupid blog. Why can't everything be that spontaneous? Why can't, just for the heck of it, I suddenly decide to go to Kanyakumari and pack my bags and leave? Why do I have to worry about tickets, reservations, leaves, passports, visas all the time? But the question still remains. What to do next? Feels like it is time to move on.....